bell jar

Everything is muted, quiet, fuzzy, far away.

Actions have no consequences. Nothing really affects me. I'm in here. You're all out there. You can't touch me. Or if you do, it's a fluke, and it won't happen again.

I drop a glass to cause a reaction and watch as no one notices the shards. I pick fights, hoping that when they swing in anger to respond to my jabs that they'll see...I'm just screaming at you so you'll notice my S.O.S.

I'm trapped.

This all feels like a dream.

I'm going to wake up tomorrow and all this is going to be gone. I don't want it to be gone, but I don't know how to react to this anymore. All I can do is stare. This isn't real, it's just a choose-your-own adventure, and I made choices a little too daring, and picked the one where you walk off a cliff or something. But that's okay, because I can just flip back a few pages and fix it. Right?

It's hard to take it seriously because there's some part of my brain that's laughing hysterically and waiting for someone to tell me, haha, it was all just a test. No, of course you're not being kicked out. Or if you are, you're going to take it coolly, like a REAL adult, not having to bite your lip whenever your dad says he loves you, wondering, if you do, why are you DOING this to me?! How can you?!

My mom told me through angry tears Wednesday morning that, if anyone had asked her how she'd deal with the situation of one of her kids not coming home one night because they were spending it at their boy/girlfriend's place, she'd have said that their stuff would have been waiting on the lawn for them when they did eventually get home.

Oh good, tears. Everything is real, again. I can feel pain, I can face reality. This is happening. I have to deal. I will make it work.

I'm not sure how I'll make it work. Through sheer force of will? Yeah, that's worked real good so far, Gabrielle...

It'll have to. I don't really have another choice.